8 Simple Tricks: How to Stay Calm When People Push Your Buttons

In our day to day lives, we come across a real variety of different people - some whose company we enjoy, and others less so...
Whether it’s that colleague who rubs you up the wrong way or the guy on the supermarket checkout who’s too busy chatting to his friend to serve you, life is full of folk whose main job seems to be to irritate us.  They "push our buttons".



We all react differently to people who do this - from a rude comment or unfair accusation to just a general peeve. While sometimes we're able to just let it wash over them, at other times we can find it more difficult to keep our feelings in check.  And this can sometimes lead to bigger problems. Learning to handle these situations can reduce stress and improve your relationships and so, in this article, we’re looking at some strategies like positive behaviour support that can really help you to dial down the heat and stay calm in the face of difficult situations - and difficult people.

1. Tag Your Triggers

Negative emotions rarely occur in a vacuum - which means that there is something - or someone - that causes them. In order to be able to control your anger or irritation, you must first learn to recognize the triggers which might include:

• Feeling disrespected or insulted
• Feeling ignored
• Being criticized unfairly
• Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior
• Encountering stubborn or argumentative people

Being able to identify your triggers is a kind of early warning system which will allow you to feel more prepared for a situation and to therefore manage it more effectively.

2. Take a Moment

An impulsive response to a perceived slight rarely ends well because there’s little or no thought involved. One of the most effective ways of staying calm and diffusing a situation is to pause before you respond. This can be as simple as taking a deep breath and counting to five in order to cool your jets and avoid saying something that you will almost certainly regret.

How to pause effectively:
It’s important to use your pause wisely rather than just seething silently and you can do this by taking some slow, deep breaths to lower your heart rate and stress levels. If this doesn’t do the trick, find a mantra to repeat in your head such as “Rise above it”.
Where possible, it can also help to temporarily remove yourself from the situation by checking your phone or grabbing a cup of water as this offers a short but welcome distraction which will help you to gain perspective on the problem.

3. Frame, Set and Match

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to feel attacked by a person or situation, which automatically puts you on the defensive.



Little good can ever come of this as you’ve probably already experienced first-hand. Instead of going straight into combative mode, try shifting your perspective (this is where that pause comes into effect) and ask yourself:

• "Is this really about me, or is this person reacting to - and projecting their own frustrations?"
• “Is something going on in their life that may affect their interactions with others? In which case, can I help?”
• "Will this even matter tomorrow, next week or next month?"
• "Can I learn something - however small - from this situation?"

It’s not you, it’s me...
Let’s go back to the first bullet point above - is it possible that you’re being overly sensitive to the situation and, if so, why ?

When we dig a little deeper and reframe an interaction, we take the power from it and are better able to regain control of our emotions; thereby modulating our response to a more reasonable one.

4. Be Mindful of Your Body Language

Learning to control what comes out of your mouth in these situations is a good start but this will be of little use if the rest of your body is giving away your true feelings. A significant portion of our communication is non-verbal and so keeping your body language in check is just as important as watching your mouth.



Non-verbal cues like crossing your arms, clenching your fists or rolling your eyes will only escalate the situation so, instead:

• Keep your posture relaxed
• Make steady (but not aggressive) eye contact
• Nod occasionally in a way that shows you’re listening but doesn’t signal agreement (this one may take a little practice)

Being mindful of your body language will put the other person at ease - which means that they too will modulate their response and will be less likely to continue with any provocation. This will in turn allow you to defuse tension quickly and to respond more reasonably.

5. Learn to Listen

Communication is a two way street and, when somebody doesn’t feel heard or understood, they are likely to lash out in frustration. However aggrieved you may feel in the moment, yours is not the only side to this story.
Because of this, it’s important to learn the art of not just listening but active listening.  By doing this, you'll show understanding and prevent the situation from escalating further.  Effective methods of active listening are:

• Repeating and clarifying what the other person has said, using a neutral tone.  For example; “So you’re saying that you always leave your papers in the copier because you’re busy?”
• Acknowledging their argument - “I do understand that you’re very busy”
• Responding calmly and thoughtfully rather than reacting defensively
• Where possible, offer a solution

6. Set Boundaries - and Stick to Them

In many cases, somebody pushing your buttons is an occasional annoyance but, if it continues, this is a whole ‘nother thing!



When this looks like happening, the best way to handle it is in a similar manner to dealing with a toddler - setting clear and firm boundaries. A small child will often test your boundaries by seeing just how far he or she can push you - and the same goes for antagonistic adults. As with a child, you need to set and communicate your boundaries by:

• Using first person statements - for example; “I do not appreciate your tone”
• Keeping your own tone respectful and professional - but firm
• Avoiding accusatory statements such as “You always do this”
• Putting the person in time-out by walking away if they refuse to respect your boundaries

7. Learn to Let Go

After a frustrating or annoying encounter, it’s human nature to stew on the situation and to rerun the conversation in your head, however, this achieves nothing. Try to shift your focus by thinking about something positive such as looking forward to dinner with friends or something that you’re grateful for. It can also help to physically remove yourself from the “scene of the crime” by taking a walk or grabbing a coffee. You might also consider listening to calming music or even practicing some deep breathing exercises. All of these things can offer a kind of mind reset, allowing you to put the encounter behind you more quickly.

8. Stay Calm, Clear And Under Control

If you spend a lot of time in your car you’ll know that you can’t control the driving behavior of others - only your own. The same goes for the behavior of other people in your day to day life. While you can’t make others behave the way you think they should, you can control how you respond.



In this article, we’ve shared some ways in which you can better manage a provocative situation. Although some of this may take a little practice, it's absolutely worth it as these strategies will help you to stay calm and handle difficult conversations with confidence and composure.
And when we learn to respond this way, we become better people, and keep our stress levels in check for a happier and more harmonious life.